Life with Snappers
by HowDracoGotHisGrooveBack
Summary: Harry takes in a new pet, and Draco has to deal with some very un-amusing consequences.
1. Dinner Disasters

**Sometime back I wrote a little one shot about Harry adopting a pet lobster (you'll find it in the A Day in the Life series, Chapter titled Dinner).**

**The idea took off and some of you lovely people requested a guest appearance by Snappers. I may have been able to mesh something together.**

**So hopefully, you'll be as kind as always and review and tell me what you think**

**Cheers**

**Alex**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter universe/characters. The following was written for fun, not profit**

* * *

"I can't believe they _do_ that! It's barbaric is what it is! Of all the _sick_, disgusting…"

Draco sighed and smacked his forehead, letting the rant just wash over him. All he had wanted to do was take his boyfriend out for a nice seafood dinner. He should _not_ have to deal with this. For the thousandth time this evening, he tried to reason with his incensed lover.

"Harry love, I _told_ you. It's just something they do at these fancy places. It's considered a privilege to pick your own seafood while its still…fresh."

Harry's emerald green eyes flashed dangerously as he turned on Draco. "It wasn't fresh! It was alive! They were still _alive_!" he yelled, apparently outraged on behalf of all sea creatures "Do you have any idea what it was like? Sitting there and…and looking at those poor, helpless animals trapped in that aquarium? And having to _choose_ one to be sentenced to _death_! It was horrible! And you! I can't _believe_ you picked one!"

"I was hungry!" Draco snapped. "Actually, let me rephrase. I _am_ hungry!" he glared pointedly at Harry, who had stormed out of the restaurant before Draco could so much as reconsider his main course.

"You're heartless!" Harry snapped back. "We'll be waiting when you're ready to apologise!"

Draco glanced at the squirming bundle Harry was holding. His would be dinner was nestled in boyfriend's arms, clicking its pincers malevolently at him.

"Please tell me you're not seriously considering keeping that lobster" the blonde called at Harry's retreating back.

"His name is Snappers!"

Draco gave up.

From now on, he was sticking to Chinese take out.


	2. CRUNCH!

"So," Blaise began, wondering how best to address this new development "Does it…_do_ anything?"

Draco sneered at his supremely unhelpful best friend. "Oh you know the usual- writes adult fiction novels, a bit of volunteer work… No it doesn't _do_ anything! It's a lobster!"

The lobster in question was currently shuttling about the living room floor and paused to raise a pincer in Draco's general direction before tottering off again.

"I think he just gave you the claw" Blaise remarked, looking rather impressed.

Draco wasn't quite so taken with the situation. Harry had rescued that...animal from a seafood restaurant and taken it in as a pet, which was why Draco was currently sharing his home with a bright red, beady eyed crustacean. Not to mention his bath tub which had been selected as a temporary home for Snappers until a tank could be arranged. This had been a rather severe blow to the blond because it meant forfeiting long, sensual baths with his gorgeous boyfriend in favour of quick, unsatisfactory showers.

Oh, Draco was _not_ a fan of Snappers.

Blaise seemed more intrigued than anything else. He poked curiously at the lobster who responded with a sharp snap of the pincers. He glared at the Italian with an exceptionally bright, beady set of eyes before scuttling off, leaving Blaise rubbing his hand warily. "I can't see why you don't get along with him" he remarked "You're both the same brand of evil git"

"It's not a him, it's an _it_" Draco gritted out "And don't compare me with that _thing_. I don't get why Harry loves the repulsive creature so much"

"And the lobster too" Blaise agreed. Draco pushed him and the Italian stumbled, still chuckling.

**CRUNCH!**

Draco paled and Blaise froze in terror.

Oh. Shit.

The silence stretched over several minutes as both boys stood there, completely paralysed not daring to look down. Finally it was Blaise who spoke, or rather squealed.

"_What_ did I just step on?"

Draco screwed his eyes shut. He was so not looking at this. There was no way he was dealing with Snapper soufflé on the underside of Blaise's foot…

Oh Gods, he was going to throw up…

"Draco, _what_ in the name of Merlin did I step on!" Blaise was going from mildly panicked to completely hysterical in record time.

Draco finally cracked an eye open and sighed in relief. "It's okay! Just an egg roll" he announced, leaning against a chair in relief- a chair that Snappers had inexplicably clambered into. The lobster clashed horribly with Draco's silk cushion but at least the stupid thing was intact. In fact it looked rather comfortable, observing the proceedings with polite interest.

Blaise seemed to have re-established control over his senses because he turned on Draco, sputtering in outrage. "Why the hell do you have Chinese food on the floor, you moron? I nearly died!"

"_You_ nearly died?" Draco repeated incredulously "Do you have any idea what Harry would have done to me if you had pureed his new pet?"

"Whatever" Blaise muttered, scraping off his shoe "I'm leaving before something else happens. Seriously, this place is a complete madhouse. Good luck with your hippie boyfriend. And the crab"

"Lobster"

"Same thing" Blaise shrugged, apparating away with a crack. Draco scowled at the spot he'd been standing in, before turning to stomp off and have a good sulk. He came face to face with Snappers who clicked smugly at him again.

"Oh, get out of my way, you stupid entrée" he snapped as he stomped off, resolutely telling himself that the ensuing clicking sounds did _not_ sound like triumphant cackling.


	3. I Dream of Lobster Ravioli

"Did you know lobsters can live to be a hundred years old?"

Draco idly wondered if this was Fate's way of punishing him for all that Death Eater business. Here he was, lying next to a mouth watering brunet clad in nothing but those scarlet silk boxers that drove Draco absolutely wild, and Harry was engrossed in a book. A cruel fate indeed. Harry for his part, seemed oblivious to Draco's growing discomfort, and continued to spout lobster facts.

"It also says they'll eat just about anything- rotting algae, fish eggs, other lobsters…"

"Appetizing" Draco cut in dryly. Harry rolled his eyes and ruffled his lover's hair fondly. Draco sensed an opportunity and caught hold of the other boy's slim wrist, pulling him close.

"Draco" Harry whined, pulling away half heartedly "I'm not done reading"

"You most certainly are" Draco insisted, nimbly snatching up the book and chucking it away. Harry laughed and relaxed in his arms, melting into a searing kiss. Draco fumbled with his shirt, pulling it off easily before latching onto Harry's supple neck.

"Merlin, you're exquisite" he whispered. Harry's response was a delicious little mewl and an enticing jerk of his hips, and Draco doubled his efforts, tracing his hands all over the other's prone form and relishing Harry's moans. He was just debating how to turn those moans into screams when he realised he was being watched.

With avid interest.

"Draco, don't stop…" Harry moaned, writhing under him. But Draco was too busy gawking at the shameless voyeur on his nightstand.

"How did he even get in here?" he demanded angrily.

Harry stared and then turned his attention to see what Draco was glowering at. Snappers clicked at him in amiable greeting.

"Didn't you put him in the tub?" Draco demanded, understandably flabbergasted. "How did he get out of the tub?"

"He probably found a way out! He's such a clever boy" Harry cooed fondly, easily extricating himself from under Draco. He picked up his lobster with practiced ease. Draco could have sworn that thing was crooning.

"He's probably hungry" Harry explained indulgently, running a thumb over a red pincer. "Come on, you. Who wants a nice shrimp pellet then?"

"Harry!" Draco sputtered indignantly.

"Later, Draco. I've got to take care of Snappers right now."

Draco would have retorted that Harry should damn well take care of him and fast, but the brunet had already left the room cradling his nemesis.

Yes, definitely Fate's way of punishing him. Muttering savagely to himself, the blonde settled down for a restless sleep filled with vicious dreams of lobster ravioli.


	4. The Last Straw

Draco stormed into the house, slamming any door unfortunate enough to stand in his way. A few satisfactory crashes and bangs later, he flopped on the couch running his hands through his hair. He had just returned from another summons from the man he called Father and been subjected to a good, long lecture on the various ways he had shamed the Malfoy name- mostly revolving around the whole being gay thing, shacking up with the Boy Who Ruins Everything and refusing to invest in a good, sturdy cane.

In short, Draco's day had sucked. Plus Harry wasn't home from the Ministry yet, so even his plans to cover himself in Boy Who Lived would have to wait.

At least, he had the telly. The one good thing Muggles had done for the world, Draco decided. He reached for the remote…

And yelped in pain.

"Bloody buggering fuck!" he shouted, wrenching his hand free. He turned to face his attacker and his eyes narrowed.

"You" he spat at the scarlet spawn of Satan nestled on the couch. Snappers clicked arrogantly at him and that was it.

Draco _snapped_.

It was a fairly short chase. After all, Draco was a man on a mission and Snappers- even at his best- was shellfish. Eventually, the blond was able to catch him and hoist him up in a strong, sure grip.

Mutinously, he marched towards the bathroom, firmly holding his clicking captive. Snappers snagged his thumb _again_ and the Slytherin swore as stomped towards the toilet and flushed threateningly.

Jets of water swirled menacingly in the bowl and only cemented Draco's resolve to purge this sea demon from his life.

"End of the line, Ugly" he drawled holding the lobster aloft, ready to drop him out of his existence once and for all. Snappers clicked uselessly and Draco smirked, looking his enemy straight in the eye as he prepared to loosen his grip.

And then the lobster whined.

It was a short, high pitched, trilling noise that surprised Draco so much that he nearly dropped Snappers anyway. The blond swallowed. This was...unexpected. He hadn't thought Snappers could…chirp like that. It almost made the lobster seem like a…like a living thing. With thoughts and feelings and…

No! It was evil and _stupid_ and it had to go! Draco took a deep breath, viciously stamping down his twinge of guilt …and the lobster chirped mournfully at him again.

Fuck.

Draco's conscience took centre stage and he gave up. _This_ was why he had made such a crappy Death Eater!

"You're lucky I'm such a good person" the blond groused, even as Snappers clicked questioningly at him.

In hindsight, he should have put Snappers down before revelling in his new found sainthood. As it were, no one was more surprised than Draco when a horrified shout rang out in the silence.

"Draco Lucius Malfoy! _What_ are you doing with Snappers?"

He turned around still holding the crustacean over the toilet incriminatingly, and came face to face with a furious looking Harry.

Draco gulped.

He was a dead man.

* * *

Hermione raised an eyebrow at the blond standing outside her door holding an overnight bag. Being best friends with Harry meant that she also had to get along with Malfoy these days. That had the unfortunate side effect of getting saddled with him whenever they got into a fight.

Which didn't mean that it wasn't extremely amusing.

"He says you tried to -and I quote- 'flush his lobster'" she commented "I don't know what deplorable sex acts you're in to these days Malfoy, but no means no"

"Just let me in, Granger" Draco muttered sulkily.

Hermione bit back a laugh and went to make up the couch.


	5. With Friends Like These

A week passed and Draco and Harry continued their ridiculous standoff.

Harry was of the opinion that Draco should apologise for trying to commit lobster-cide, and the latter was just as convinced that _Harry_ should do the apologising since _he_ had kicked Draco to the curb for a lousy fish. That had sparked off another argument about whether or not lobsters were fish at all and so on and so forth.

It was coming to the point that Harry spent nearly all his time wallowing in self pity, and Draco had become quite intimately acquainted with Hermione's spare couch.

Which was another problem, if you wanted Miss Granger's opinion.

"…walk in to get a glass of water and there he is, _abusing_ himself on my furniture! Again! Its driving me spare," she ranted, chopping viciously at her salad. Several people at the café turned to stare at her and her lunch companion winced in apology.

"You may want to keep your voice down, love" he replied "Besides, any healthy bloke who has to go without it for a week will succumb to the occasional wank. Believe me, I know" he added sulkily.

"Well I'm sorry you're going without but you are _not_ staying over until Malfoy is out of the house" Hermione replied firmly.

"But I'm randy!" he whined.

"So am I!" she snapped "Which is why _you_ should be channelling your inner evil mastermind and solving this mess!"

Blaise huffed and crossed his arms petulantly. "You know, just because I'm a Slytherin, doesn't mean I'm evil by default. That's very offensive."

Hermione rolled her eyes. Note to self, Slytherins are evil _and_ overly sensitive.

"My apologies" she amended sweetly "What I meant was that you're just _so_ clever and cunning, I just assumed you'd have a plan" She leaned towards him, showing off a tantalizing hint of cleavage in the process "Can't you think of something, darling? I _really_ miss having you around."

The wizard swallowed audibly, but continued to sulk. Hermione decided that bribes were in order. "If you get him out by Friday, you can stay over for the weekend. And I'll do that thing you like so much…" she trailed off, her brown eyes sparkling suggestively.

Blaise's gaze narrowed in suspicion. "You promise?" he demanded. "_With_ the handcuffs and the maple syrup?"

"Cross my heart" she said, squeezing his hand.

Blaise grinned and stood up so abruptly that his chair fell over.

"Where are you going?" Hermione asked, taken aback.

"Home" he replied "I do my best scheming in one of those swivel chairs. Stroking a cat helps too."

_Not evil, my arse_ Hermione thought dryly. "You can borrow Crookshanks" she offered out loud.

Blaise leaned in for a quick snog. She tasted like maple syrup and he groaned as the naughty visions dancing in his head threatened to derail him completely.

Then tearing away reluctantly, he apparated away.

Twenty minutes later, Hermione was strolling home when her cell phone went off. She frowned as she realised it was Blaise calling, quite frantically at that. She had bought her boyfriend a cell phone ages ago, but so far he just seemed scared of it.

If he was calling, it meant trouble.

Taking a deep breath she picked up the phone. "Blaise? Blaise, relax. What hap… why did you go to my flat? Blaise, I was _joking_ when I said you could borrow him! Honestly, sometimes you're…_what? _What do you mean I left my Floo open? Blaise…BLAISE! Breathe. _Where_ is my cat?"

Blaise's ranting made her skid to a halt.

"You accidentally flooed him _where_?" she repeated incredulously "What do you mean calm down! You sent a hungry _cat_ after Harry's pet lobster! Merlin's pants, Blaise! What are we going to do? _Think_! We need a plan!"

She blinked at his reply and practically screeched into the phone. "No I don't have a swivel chair, you idiot! Just floo to Harry's and _fix_ this! Right now!"


	6. Home

**Apologies for the delay, lovely readers. Moving is never fun. Not to mention the rotten case of writer's block I had to deal with. I seem to have had an involuntary smut-ectomy too. *Winces* So again, my apologies if the whole thing blows. :(**

* * *

Draco apparated into his living room with a week's worth of groceries.

"Harry?" the blond called cautiously. There was no answer, which made sense. Harry must be at work. Probably a good thing, because Draco would need a lot of time to rustle up a decent dinner. Harry always loved it when he cooked for him, even if he was pants at it. Draco felt his throat clench painfully. He hated fighting with Harry. He'd been living on Granger's couch for about a week now and he missed the warmth of his boyfriend's body at night.

And they'd fought over the stupidest thing. He hadn't even been planning to flush that stupid lobster! And Harry had refused to hear him out and then he said things and then Draco said things…well, it didn't matter anymore. He was going to fix this. He missed Harry way too much to…

Draco stopped his musing and frowned. Something was wrong. What…what was that noise? It was coming from the kitchen…

The noise suddenly became louder and Draco's eyes widened as he realised what it was. He had heard it before- when he'd been trying to flush Snappers down the toilet.

A short, sharp chirping noise. The distress call of a Maine lobster.

Snappers!

Dropping his bags, he rushed into the kitchen. The sight in front of him wrenched a strangled cry from his throat.

That ginger beast of Hermione's was in their kitchen, teeth bared in a predatory snarl and tail flicking menacingly, and the feline had Snappers cornered. The lobster was still shrieking- a sentiment Draco fully endorsed at the moment- and had its claws raised defensively, ready to go down fighting. Despite himself, Draco felt a twinge of respect for the gutsy crustacean.

Crookshanks had had enough of waiting. The kneazle snarled and pounced, and Draco acted on pure instinct. Without wasting a second more, he raised his wand.

"Aguamenti_"_ he shouted, jets of water hurtling from his wand and soaking the cat. Crookshanks responded with an almighty yowl and leapt onto the kitchen counter, hissing and spitting for all he was worth. Draco ignored him, reaching for Snappers. The lobster snapped aggressively at him, still wary after nearly being eaten.

"It's okay" the blond muttered, cradling the creature carefully. "You're safe, you stupid appetizer" The lobster trilled at him, and Draco wondered if he was still distressed. Without thinking, he rubbed a finger over a shiny red claw- the way he'd seen Harry do it before. Snappers clicked sullenly, but stopped vocalising his complaints and Draco sighed in relief, sagging against the counter.

Just then, the door burst open and two men staggered in.

"Oh, thank Merlin" Blaise gasped as he caught sight of Draco and a very intact Snappers- not to mention a soggy, sulky looking Crookshanks. Behind him, Harry practically deflated- his relief was so apparent.

"What happened?" he demanded, his green eyes roving Draco frantically for and trace of injuries. Draco's gaze softened at Harry's apparent panic but before he could explain, Blaise cut in cheerfully.

"Isn't it obvious, Potter? Draco saved your pet crab from that foul beast over there. He's a hero" He walked over and snagged Crookshanks who mewed despondently "I'll just take this evil doer and get out of your way. By the way, you lads wouldn't happen to have any maple syrup lying around, would you?"

Spotting a bottle he swiped it triumphantly and sauntered off, whistling all the way.

The door slammed shut leaving Draco and Harry shuffling awkwardly in the kitchen. Uncomfortable silence filled the space, broken only by a couple of coughs from the awkward boys and a few enquiring clicks from Snappers. Draco flushed with embarrassment as he realised he was still cuddling the lobster.

"You really need a tank for him…it" he managed, handing Snappers over to his boyfriend. Harry took the lobster, just as awkwardly and put him on the counter.

"You saved him" he said softly, turning back to his blond lover.

Draco scuffed his trainers uncomfortably. "Yeah, so?" he mumbled.

"I thought you hated Snappers" Harry murmured.

"Well, yeah. I mean, no! I mean…well, _you_ obviously like him and he's… not so bad. I suppose we could learn to get along if…I mean if you…"

"Draco?"

The blond looked up staring into the vivid green eyes he'd missed so much. Harry took a step towards him and smiled tentatively.

"Will you come home now?"

In hindsight Draco could have chosen a more restrained, dignified response. However, Harry didn't seem to mind being grabbed by the shoulders and tackled to the floor. The shorter boy melted into his arms, wrapping himself around Draco as if he planned to never let go and capturing his blond lover in a fierce almost desperate kiss.

"I missed you" he gasped as Draco finally broke away.

"Well then, next time don't kick me out" Draco muttered, running his hands urgently down Harry's hips, eager to reacquaint himself with every inch of the brunet.

"I didn't think you'd stay away that long" Harry grumbled "One week, Draco! Would it have killed you to apologise?"

"_You_ could have apologised" Draco retorted, even as he fumbled with Harry's shirt. Finally he lost patience and yanked it off.

"I don't see why I… _should_!" the brunet replied, his retort ending in a squeak as Draco chose that moment to tweak his nipple. "Draco!" he scolded, eyes flashing accusingly.

"Are you going to shut up so I can shag you in peace?" the blond demanded. Harry shivered below him and Draco grinned. His hands roved urgently now, yanking off Harry's jeans in one swift movement. The shorter boy gasped and bucked his hips and Draco groaned as his heated skin brushed against Harry's swollen cock. His hand moved of its own accord, wrapping itself around the familiar swell of Harry's warm cock. The brunet rewarded him with a throaty moan. "Get on with it" Harry panted.

Who was Draco to deny the Boy Who Lived? He fisted Harry with rapid, jerky motions but his boyfriend didn't seem to mind. In fact, if Harry's throaty groans were anything to go by, he was _very_ pro handjob at the moment. Every delicious sound went straight to Draco's swelling cock and finally the blond couldn't control himself any longer. He withdrew his hand from Harry's cock, barely managing enough coherence to summon his wand.

Harry's complaining hiss turned to a squeak of surprise as the Lubrication charm slicked him up. A tremor racked his slim frame as Draco's hands gripped his hips and hoisted him up roughly. The blond moaned as he took in the sight of dusky puckered flesh, winking invitingly at him.

"Can't wait" he managed, positioning himself.

Harry nodded almost frantically, bucking his hips forward and brushing against Draco's dick. The blond needed no further invitation. With a swift movement he slid inside his beautiful lover. Twin growls tore from their throats as Draco battered Harry, frantic and urgent and almost delirious with _need. _Harry responded like a wanton animal, bucking and frotting and keening for all he was worth. Draco's length inside him was so thick and warm and familiar…and then Draco thrust just _so _and Harry howled. Draco bared his teeth and rammed against the brunet, apparently intent on _destroying_ Harry. The brunet howled with abandon as Draco battered his prostate and in seconds, Harry came undone. His screams racked the air, edging Draco on with a selfish abandon now that his lover has been sated. He hammered into Harry's slick heat, seeking his pleasure almost selfishly. He groaned at the familiar build up of pleasure and in seconds, Draco was coming inside his lover.

He collapsed on top of Harry, panting and exhausted. It was messy and sticky and thrown across the kitchen floor and he was pretty sure there was a spatula digging into his left leg, but when Harry smiled and carded his hand in Draco's hair. He didn't care any more. He sighed softly and placed an uncharacteristically tender kiss on Harry's smiling lips. "I missed you" the brunet whispered against his lips. Draco's felt a catch in his throat, and briefly he wondered what he had done to deserve this wonderful, beautiful, amazing…

Click.

Damn it.

Despite himself, Draco turned his head towards the noise. He was greeted by a familiar set of beady eyes watching him intently. The blond groaned and buried his face in Harry's neck again. This was so _wrong._

"Bloody voyeur" he muttered as Snappers clicked at them from the counter. Draco fervently hoped it was not the lobster version of applause.

"Says the bloke who watches the Animal Planet six hours a day. Double standards much?" Harry muttered, curling against him.

Draco smiled. Any other time, he would have argued or made a snarky remark, but right now he was content to just lie on the kitchen floor draped in sweaty Gryffindor, with a lobster audience watching over him.

This was home.

* * *

**Reviews, please :D**


	7. Fathers and Farewells

**Final chapter: Enjoy :)**

**The first bit of this chapter is a small tribute to one of my favourite quotes in The Philosopher's Stone. I'm pretty sure everyone knows it from the Troll in the Bathroom scene. "_There are some things you can't share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a twelve foot mountain troll is one of them." _So yeah_...e_njoy. Enjoy, I say!**

* * *

Things were more or less back to normal at the Malfoy Potter household. There was laughter and sunshine and random bouts of shagging on all available flat surfaces. No one was happier with that arrangement than Draco. It had been disorienting to be away from Harry for so long. But now he was home with his beloved boyfriend, and his couch and his Animal Planet and all was right with the world.

"Well, I guess lobsters do live to be a hundred" Draco commented to his companion, as his fifth documentary came to a close. "But you probably already knew that. Fish stick?" The resounding clicks of accusation made him wince and put the snack bowl away. "Sorry, that was insensitive". Snappers settled back on his cushion and watched the telly in his customary stoic silence.

They had come to an agreement of sorts. Snappers no longer sought Draco out to aggravate him, and Draco politely refrained from trying to flush him down the toilet. It But it was a far sight to say they were friendly. Draco preferred to think of him as a grumpy roommate. With an exoskeleton. But he was not fond of him.

That was about to change.

The Floo flared to life and one of Draco's least favourite people stepped out. The blond's jaw clenched with defensive instinct. "Father" he greeted, his voice flat and his face expressionless.

"Good afternoon, Draco" Lucius replied silkily. "It's been a while"

"Not long enough" Draco replied. A few years ago, the idea of talking back to his Father like that would have made him cringe but Harry's recklessness had sort of rubbed off on him, much to the older Malfoy's chagrin.

Lucius smirked and Draco stood up, unwilling to give his domineering father the slightest advantage in what promised to be another futile confrontation. If Lucius wanted a fight, he would give it to him.

"I see Potter has made himself scarce" the older Malfoy said, deeming to sweep a condescending glance across Draco's living room. He spat out Harry's name in that disdainful, sneering manner and Draco had to remind himself not to rise to the bait.

"He's not here" he replied shortly "Which begs the question- why are you?"

"I merely wished to see if you had regained your senses yet"

Draco counted to ten twice before responding. "Father, we have been over this. I am not moving back to the Manor, I am not marrying Astoria Greengrass and I am most certainly not leaving Harry. If that's all, I believe you know your way out." It hurt that his Father wouldn't accept him for who he was, but he'd be damned if he let anyone tell him how to live his life anymore. Lucius Malfoy could just deal with it.

Easier said than done.

"I've been tolerant, Draco" the older man hissed, eyeing his son coldly "I have tried to make peace with your…deviance. But obviously my lenience has been mistaken for weakness"

"I am not a child any more. I make my own decisions" the younger blond replied, feigning a calm he didn't quite feel. This meeting was showing every sign of escalating into another shouting match with his sire, and he wasn't sure he could deal with this any more.

"And what fine decisions they are" Lucius smirked in response, striding over to the couch intending to sit down. Draco was about to retort with something scathing when he saw a familiar, unmistakable flash of red just where his Father was planning to park his arse. The blond's eyes widened in sheer horror and he yelped.

"What is it?" Lucius asked sharply, pausing and glaring at his offspring.

Draco gargled uselessly. "Um…you…that is…"

"Stop mumbling like an imbecile, Draco! If you have something to say, spit it out instead of dithering about like a fool" Lucius snapped at him.

That did it. Draco's eyes narrowed and he made his decision. "My apologies" he drawled "By all means, Father. Make yourself at home."

Lucius gave him one last disdainful sneer.

And sat.

What happened next was simultaneously the most wonderful and most terrible moment of Draco's life. He liked to think that he had seen more of life than most people his age. But nothing in life's great plan- including a War, several near death experiences and falling in love with the Boy Who Lived- could compare to the sheer, undiluted, terrifying wonder of seeing his regal, overbearing Father, Lord Lucius Abraxas Malfoy of the eminent Malfoy Clan and ex Death Eater shriek like a Cornish Pixie, jump about twenty meters in the air and then careen around his small, cramped living room limbs a-flailing with an angry, sea dwelling crustacean firmly attached to his rear.

"**Getitoff getitoff getitoff**!"

Draco watched in horrified fascination. It was terrifying. It was horrific. It was wonderful.

"**Getitoff getitoff fortheloveofMerlin getitoff!**"

It was like looking upon the face of God.

And Draco Malfoy felt an innate sense of friendship and brotherhood towards all members of the noble lobster clan. From that moment on, Snappers became his friend. There are some things you can't share without ending up liking each other- and reducing Lucius Malfoy to a screeching, panic stricken pansy ("**Getitoff getitoff getitOFF!**") is one of them.

* * *

Harry twitched in sympathy as his boyfriend tapped mournfully at the huge aquarium. Behind the thick plane of glass, a Maine lobster swam about, trilling and looking completely at home. The sight didn't seem to be helping Draco's mood and Harry felt obliged to say something.

"So we're just going to stand here all day trying to guilt trip a lobster?" he broke in finally.

"He could at least pretend to be sad" Draco muttered.

Harry patted his shoulder sympathetically. He had figured that this would be hard on Draco, but he hadn't thought it would be this bad. His once anti Snappers boyfriend had managed quite a turnabout, thanks to the lobster's inherent dislike of being sat upon by Lucius Malfoy. Draco had empathised at once, and the two had become quite close.

Unfortunately, that happy situation hadn't lasted.

"I can't believe Father sued us for physical assault" Draco groused, looking thoroughly put out.

Harry coughed to hide his snort of laughter. "He tried to sue us for attempted manslaughter" he corrected "The judge toned it down to assault. You know, once he stopped laughing."

Draco smirked at the fond memory but went back to his kicked crup impression almost at once. "I don't like that judge. He could have let us keep our lobster" he mumbled, tapping the glass again. Snappers trilled and attempted a half flip before settling at the gritty bottom of his tank and scuttling behind a nice clump of seaweed.

Harry rolled his eyes. "Draco, he was nearly trampled, attacked by a cat, sat upon and almost flushed down the toilet. Not to mention, the first time you met him you tried to eat him. We're lucky Snappers isn't suing us for assault. Besides" he added, taking his sulking boyfriend's hand "he'll be much happier at Seaworld. He's got an aquarium, and plenty of room and…"

"There's no telly" Draco pointed out peevishly "How's he going to watch The Deep Blue on Animal Planet, huh? This place is obviously sub standard!"

"He'll be fine, love."

"How do you know?" Draco demanded.

"Well for one thing, he's got company" Harry chuckled, peering into the tank. Draco's eyes widened as a smaller lobster toddled over to Snapper's little seaweed abode and clicked pleasantly at him. Snappers' antennae perked up in apparent interest at this new entrant. Draco's eyebrows nearly disappeared into his hairline as his once grouchy pet lobster trilled like a tame kitten and linked claws amicably with his new friend.

"It took me a whole month to get him to act that civil!" he contested indignantly, watching the crooning lobsters with a mix of resentment and disgust.

"Figures" Harry smirked, reading the information card in front of the tank "It says she's a female. A mature female."

Draco still looked rather flabbergasted and Harry couldn't help it. "You can visit any time, you know" he offered reasonably.

"It's not the same" Draco pouted. Harry rolled his eyes. Drastic measures, then. He wrapped his arms around his ridiculous boyfriend and pulled him into a kiss.

"I do have one bit of news that might make you feel better" he offered, when Draco finally surfaced for air.

"What's that?" the blond asked looking sceptical.

Harry grinned. "Our bathtub is free now. What do you say we put it to good..."

But Draco had already apparated away with a quick "Last one back bottoms!" thrown over his shoulder. Harry laughed and prepared to follow his eager, easily distracted lover.

As he apparated away, he could have sworn Snappers gave him a thumbs up.

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